Children do not live in an ideal world. From an early age, they must deal with frustrations, conflicts in their relationships with peers at daycare, preschool and school, as well as with parents and caregivers at home. Bullying and discriminatory practices can also start to occur in the early years and therefore it is important that children learn to say 'stop', find support and also stand up when others are being bullied. Parents and caregivers can help children identify ways to resolve problems and conflicts peacefully.
What it tells your child: Disagreements and conflicts happen all the time. We need to learn to see a situation from different angles (from the perspective of your friend, colleague, teacher or parent/caregiver) and stay focused and calm to respond to these situations in an assertive – positive, respectful and peaceful way.
How you can do it: You can invite the child to take some time to go to a space that makes them feel calm or simply to calm down by breathing or quietly singing a song. This space is for them to talk to you about what they are feeling and thinking about a situation related to another adult or colleague/friend. It is important to regulate our emotions so that we can see a situation differently. Ask your child questions that allow them to see the situation from different perspectives: What happened? What do you think? Because? Why do you think they did/said that? Was your friend nervous/sad/angry about something else? What can we do to fix this so no one gets hurt and fix the problem? How can I help you? Remain calm and never use or encourage the use of violence or punishment to resolve conflict. Help your child find strategies through dialogue, putting yourself in the other person's shoes to develop their rational mind and kind heart. You can also use this breathing technique to regulate emotions:
Step 1 – Breathe and Stop Stop the situation and invite the children/people involved to take a deep breath. Instead of reacting right away, ask everyone to focus on their body's breathing and what's going on inside them.
Step 2 – Ask questions Ask each child/person to think and then allow them to speak uninterrupted: Why did this happen? What did you all do? Why do you think the other child/person did this? What could be happening inside them to make this happen?
Step 3 – Dialogue Invite children/people to dialogue: can we solve this differently, without anyone getting hurt? Do we need to apologize? How can we do that?
Step 4 – Acknowledge the effort AND encourage the child to try to solve the problem.
With Younger Children: Children from birth will learn from your examples, so it is important that you practice peaceful conflict resolution as children repeat what they observe. It is natural for young children to have difficulty explaining what happened or how to resolve a situation. It is important that we encourage children to resolve small conflicts peacefully and respectfully with their peers, as they are developing their emotional, social and behavioral skills. But if adult mediation is needed, you can describe the problem or conflict that occurred and ask: What do you think could be done to correct this? If they struggle to find an alternative, some age-appropriate options will emerge to respond to it. Allow the child to hear the two options you have given them and give them the opportunity to solve the problem on their own, with your guidance.
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